OLD SCHOOL LESSONS
by ChrisB

Doing The Research.
"Hey Oz"

(Well, this is it, off to jail for sure tomorrow. I'm thinking)

"Whassup bro?"

"Got any advice for jail?

"Like what?"

"I don't know, you've been to jail I haven't."

"ummm…yeah……don't let anyone fuck you around"

"That’s it?"

"Yep! Drink up bro!"

"Sweet! Cheers bro!"

Lesson learnt: Be prepared, I would have made a good boyscout….kudo's to me

Sunday School.
One Sunday I'm parked up sleeping the deep, untroubled sleep of a man with a clear conscience. 

When…BANG CRASH all sorts of carryon starts happening in the next cell. So up I get reluctantly to see What's happening. The doors open and there's 4 guys in there all laying into this young whiteboy giving him a tuneup. I tried to tell them they were making too much noise, but they were all busy and just ignored me. So I reached in grabbed the closest one by this pants and shirt and dragged him out the door, then the next, by which time they'd noticed me and were coming out on their own. The whiteboy looked ok except he was scrabbling for his inhaler and breathing noisily. So there I am outside with these guys looking at me funny, and thinking (cool, now I can go back to sleep, hope this honky doesn't start crying or something). When the biggest guy tried to push me in the chest while saying "Don't get involved bro"

(I'm thinking 'huh?' as I slapped his push aside and put my hands up into a conciliatory pose showing the palms, and doing my best to keep everything calm since these boys looked a bit excited.)
"Bro, I'm just trying to sleep over here mate, you guys are making too much noise. Why don't you and your fucken muppets, piss off back to your own side of the wing (gesturing across the yard) and make all the noise you want?  Look at this bugger (waving in the whiteboys direction), he's just about choking to death, what's the matter with you cunts?"

Him "Fuck you, there's 4 of us."

Me "So what? What is your problem man, you want to fight?" (perplexed as to what could have caused this hostility towards me?)

Him "Yeah I fucken do!" and the other three start eyeing me up

So I stepped up, grabbed him gently by the arm and turned him towards the guard room. "Cool", I said pointing at the guard room, "there's your enemy over there mate, show some form and go give them the bash. I'll even come and give you a hand." 

Eventually he realised I was holding his right arm down, and I was out of his line of vision, winced and turned his head slowly as if he'd just thought something nasty (probably had a bad childhood and trust issues). So I winked at him and gave him a gentle shove towards his own side of the wing.

At which point he started muttering unpleasant remarks and they all strolled off back across the yard, so I finally managed to get a bit of a Sunday siesta. 

Some people just have no respect for a Sunday.

But not me, I'm a church boy….kudo's to me

Kangaroo Court.
Big Jimmy's called me over for a meeting? What the hell is that? Since when did we make appointments. So I looked out my door and there's 3 or 4 people in his slot, and a couple outside on the stairs. Oh well, better go see what they want. Looks like a bloody Kangaroo Court. 

So off I strolled, straight in past everyone and to the back of his cell

"So What's up guys? We having a party?"

I was informed that they took offense to me threatening the whiteboy to pay for his pills I'd sold him. 

"You give him some pills?"

"Yeah bro…"

"He reckons they were shit.."

"na…good pills those, vitamin B….healthy stuff"

"fucken vitamins, what the fucks up with that…..he reckons you told him they were good stuff"

"they are…."

"Bullshit! You know what I fucken mean."

"Bro, I'm not a junky bumfuck pillfreak, I wouldn't have a clue what pill is what, just having fun with him anyway, what's the problem?"

"What's funny about that? The cunts shitting himself….he reckons you told him he better learn kung fu in a hurry."

"Yeah man, there you go, that’s funny as fuck….what?....you don't think that’s funny?" 

"Well it doesn't seem very funny to us, we don't like it."

"Yeah? (wondering what his point was)……why would I give a fuck? (shrugging my shoulders in some amazement) I just do whatever I want mate, that’s pretty much why I'm in here. How about you do your own lags and don't worry about what I'm up to."

They all went quiet and looked at me…so to keep the conversation flowing in a friendly fashion I said

"So…anyway….anything else you buggers want to talk to me about?...nah?....."

"Ok…..I'm off guys, I can't hang around, I'm busy rehabilitating myself." 

So I excused myself past and gave them a friendly wave.

I'm strolling back to my cell (thinking, what the fuck was that?) and Dan waves me over so I go for a visit…..he's sitting there in full gear holding a shiv.

I'm looking at him "Fucksakes bro, what you going to do with that?"

"Shit man, I've been wondering whether to run over there or not. What the fuck was that about bro?

"Nothing much…"

"All good?"

"Yeah don't worry about it, and put that fucken sticker away, you're making me nervous."

Lesson learnt, vitamins can be bad for your health


Bike Drama.
Beautiful day in Sin City Wanga's, zooming down the back roads test riding Grahams secondhand-$300 motorbike, which had no front brake calipers. Single, full tank of gas, money in my pocket, full set of leathers with a trench on top just having fun. World was my oyster.

Then zipping around a corner suddenly it was like something out of a horror movie, right in front of me some god-awful torture-machine-looking agricultural vehicle which had a drum on the back which was all big long spikes, and I was almost on top of it (thinking, that’s it for me, I'm fucked). Hit both brakes and the backend started sliding so I was almost sideways on (damn no front brakes) It was all happening very quickly but seemed quite slow, the bike was still sliding sideways, front wheel facing forwards with no brakes, and I'm about to ruin my leathers on the spikes. So I kicked it down to third because that seemed about right, simultaneously dropped the clutch, hit the accelerator, turned the front to an angle and leant the bike, and somehow got around it. If that bike had had front brakes I'd be dead. This was definitely the bike for me. $300 bucks well spent.

Never knew you could do that with a bike.

10 points for learning something new…..kudo's to me


Roly Poly.
Awesome an XT Falcon, Matt Black, just what I needed. The parties had been going on for 3 days since we left the forest but I still had cash. One minute I'm hooning around Castlecliff with a carful of people, next minute I'm upside down and the car is sliding on it's roof. Anyway we stopped sliding just before the lamp post and I checked to see if everyone was ok. There was some pretty upset looking people back there and the dog was barking in the boot. They all looked funny as hell, everyone squashed upside down and they'd all spilt their beers except Peter who was upside down drinking his and looking at me. 

Everyone  scrambles out the best they can, and they all just take off. I'm calling after them to help me push the car back on to it's wheels and they're all hurling abuse. (no need for such hostility I'm thinking) So I'm looking around and letting the dog out of the boot when all the surfies start arriving, they were having a party two houses down. These guys were off their rockers, they'd made a hole in the bottlestore wall earlier and had 26 bottles of Grants Whiskey.

With the assist we pushed it back on it's wheels then got on the piss and the buds with the surfies for a while. All good until John and Rodge started trying to fight but were too pissed and I was headbutting Eugene for kicking John, bloody Hemi was shadow boxing and jumping around like a Ninja trying to hit me, and everyone else was laughing their heads off. So I grabbed Peter and we took our drinks over to the car to see what could be done, I rolled another doobie and contemplated our options. 

Eventually we managed to get it to Neils in reverse because the wishbone was bent and the roof at the front was crushed right down to the dashboard. It was all over the road and sidewalks but we got it back without hitting anything. So I strolled in cheerfully greeting all and sundry but every bugger at the party seemed upset at me, and it didn't help that Pete and I were stoned off our nuts from smoking all the way back and I couldn't stop laughing. 

I'm trying to tell them that no one was hurt and they should be thanking me……. (They'd all got a taste of excitement and a free adrenalin spurt, you can't buy that shit…)….but Neils missus was walking towards me with a bottle and that look she gets when she's totally pissed off. It was still only mid morning so I quickly grabbed some bottles and John and I split off to see if we could get the car going.

We managed to find a wishbone even though there were no XT's at the wreckers yards. Replaced the wishbone, jacked up the roof with some blocks and a carjack, tied an XA Falcon windscreen on with some rope, then I got on the piss with Pete and his family. I ended up 'chatting' all night with his sister-in-law in the garage, and drove that bugger to Wellington the next morning. 

Lesson Learnt:-  XA Falcon wishbones can be bolted into an XT Falcon, with the obvious implication that all the running gear from at least XR Falcon to XA is interchangeable !…. NICE SCORE !


Weird Street.
Hooning over the Wainui Hill, I got an XW Falcon ute with bald tyres from doing wheelies, so I'm going sideways around each corner on the way up. Just as I go over the top there's a cop right there. So foot planted I'm off down into Wainui, just before the bottom I cut into traffic and drive the wrong side of the barrier finger waving at the pig who was stuck on the other side and had no way through for ages. Turned off to the right at the first corner and was parked at the back of Oz's place, out of the car and walking the thoughtful, serene walk of a good citizen to the front in no time flat.

Later on I was leaning on the fence outside Oz's place chatting and watching a couple of guys fighting on the street, a Nomad and some Māori guy.
"When did you's get Nomads over here bro?"

Oz "This lot moved in down the road last week. Same bunch who were in Naenae a while back."

"Ahhh….makes sense, made a hell of a mess in Naenae those buggers, they must have run out of people to rob."

"Yep, they're bad cunts, that’s why there's no pot around." Oz replies, shaking his head.

So we sipped our beers, chatted and enjoyed the show. Pretty evenly matched and both heavy guys, but the Maoriboy was just defense, you could see he didn't really want to be fighting this fight. So I'm still leaning on the fence 20 minutes later and the Nomad is walking down the street towards me and I'm thinking, cool, round two. Then I notice the bugger has a long knife and he's tying it to his hand as you do when you're serious. So when he was close I called out to him. "What are you up to mate?" 

And he just keeps walking, looks at me and says, "I'm gonna fuck that cunt up, he's fucked."

And I'm (while initially shocked and horrified at his use of profanity), "Na, what for? ……bugger that bro, lets get stoned instead? You already had a fight with him."

"Na…he's fucked."

"…don't be like that man."

He's "What the fuck's it to you, what do you care?"

"Well, I don't really care. But it's like this. If any bugger gets killed anywhere around me, it doesn't matter if the cops find you covered in blood holding his heart. I'm the poor cunt who's going to get blamed for it. So how about we just get stoned instead." I explained

Then I jumped over the fence and patted him on the shoulder and turned him and started steering him back towards his place. "Come on bro, mellow out man."

He's looking at me, and after a few reluctant steps he goes, "yeah fuck it ! …cunts not worth the lag, where are you off to?"

"Your place bro….lets get stoned….you got any pot ?"

Weird street Oz lived on back then.

But what a nice peace loving guy I was in those days….kudo's to me.


Guilty Clothes.
Just got bail from the Court House, but all my clothes were still under arrest pending forensic tests. So I'm strolling down the backstreets in white paper overalls, with a bit of a hangover and a few bruises and scratches going on. Closest person I knew around here was Sy, so off I went.

"You look like shit bro, where's your fucken clothes?"

"I misplaced them."

"Yeah…whatever, come in man, you're stinking up the neighbourhood."

So I borrow a towel and have a shower and he's already got the coffee made and the knives on and his missus is giving me shit and handing me the funnel.

"So, how'd you get bail bro."

"Don't be like that…I'm innocent as hell sis.", and we all cracked up and had a game of darts.

Lesson learnt:- innocent is a state of mind


Eyes Playing Tricks.
Oz comes running into our slot and dumps a double handful of pills on the table and starts crushing them up.

"What's up man?"

"Bro, help me out, they're coming, we got to get rid of this shit."

So I'm looking at this multi-coloured pile of pills he's crushing and saying.

"Well flush them? Who's coming?"

"Fuck that we'll snort them." and he separates the pile into two and gives me a pipe.

"I don't do that shit bro. I don't even know how to fucken do it, you snort it."

"It's too much I'll OD and die."

"Well, that might be funny to watch."

"Hurry up man, they're coming….fucksakes, don't be a dick head."

So I grabbed my pipe and watched him snorting and went hard until I'd managed to finish off my pile.

I'm sitting there wondering who the hell was supposed to be coming, because it was quiet as and Oz starts playing patience and looking at me sideways every few seconds with the dodgiest look I've ever seen on him. Then things started going weird and I scramble onto the bunk.

I didn't get a wink of sleep, I spent the whole night on the top bunk with my eyes wide open hallucinating some full on bullshit complete with textures, sounds and visions There was dinosaurs, there was jungles, there was spaceships, there was all sorts of crazy carryon. If I closed my eyes for more than a blink, I was plunged into the heart of darkness covered in slime, and there's all sorts of nasty stuff wriggling around and making gurgling noises. Anyway I was still pretty fucked up and having trouble walking when I was trying to sign my release papers in the morning. Problem was half the things I was seeing in the corners of my eyes and leaping around were wayyy out there with the space cadets and it was hard work trying to follow the screw to the gate without flinching at things jumping around that seemed more real then he did.

Lesson learnt:- everything may not be as it seems


Waking Up.
Woke up wrapped around a shrub at the park, staggered up to go for a leak, and found I had four ounces down the front of my jeans. Further investigation came up with $230 in my various pockets. Considering the Steps to Freedom I had yesterday was only $140, this seemed pretty strange. So I rolled up a joint (mmm…nice pot) and sat down under my bush to work things out. My first thought was I must have robbed a drug dealer, in which case there's  probably a bunch of angry people looking for me right now and maybe I should lay low.

My second thought was that I had money, and I was thirsty. Then I started wondering if the pubs were open yet. So off I went to check.

Lesson learned, don't over-analyze things, sometimes it's more productive just to get on with life.


Riot.
Riots on, I'm in the Bronx Rimutaka, High Medium Security and it's going off. I'm beautifully placed, with my back to a wall, and, in the interests of self-defense, randomly punching and kicking anyone near me (all the time watching in amazement as these animals laid into each other, and  baled up the screws in their office.) There's tables and chairs flying around, people wrestling on the ground, others just punching it out, one poor bugger getting a bad smashing in the corner. And others were tooling up with bits of furniture. After a few minutes the screws came in force and the ones in the guardroom unlocked their door now that they had backup. 

Roger and I had got back to our slot and barricaded the door. Roger is leaning on the door watching me ripping up the mattress and setting fire to it, and it's all pretty quiet outside. Just about everyone had been baled up in the dining room by the screws and they were locking them down one by one and searching the cells.

By the time they got to us I had the mattress smoldering and the whole cell was filling up with smoke. But the screws were kicking on the door, so Roger and I were both leaning on it, eating our pot and swallowing a couple of caps of oil each.

We're starting to choke on the smoke, so I pulled Roger away from it and got ready. As the screws smashed the door in I barreled straight into them with the burning mattress billowing smoke everywhere in front of me and Roger pushing me from behind.

There was some unpleasantness and a lot of cursing and even a bit of screaming, but eventually we were on our way to the Pound.

Due to the fact that I'd just swallowed two caps of oil and that the Pound is away from the wings. I ended up having the most peaceful weekend I'd had that whole lag. Complete with flush toilet, no more bucket. Just like a mini vacation. Good score.

Lesson learnt:- there's always a bright side

End of Sample


{The rest of the book is only available as a downloadable PDF, you can buy it using the button on the header of this page}

      

GLOSSARY & PLACES

And everyone lived happily ever after
(except the dead ones, and…ummm….the unhappy ones)

SYNOPSIS

A story about culture shock of a different kind. A tongue in cheek insight into a young mans life starting in jail and ending in Sāmoa, and the lessons he learnt on his journey. It addresses some central issues from a different perspective, violence, sexual predators, gangs, suicide, fa'aSamoa, working class, prison, crime and more.